It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
