Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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