We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
