My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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