your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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