she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
