I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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