we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
