He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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