Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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