Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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