no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
