Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize