My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
