went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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