my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
