I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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