So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
