You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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