my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize