my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Randomize
