they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
