my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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