god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
