Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
