FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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