I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
time to smoke my breakfast
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
