She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
