i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
