let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
