nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
