Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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