he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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