My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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