found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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