He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
