On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
