Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
