I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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