My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
