I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
