the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
