grandma shit on top of the toilet
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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