There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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