she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
