I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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