one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
