Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
