three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
