If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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