she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
