his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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