Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
