My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
We have started to decorate penises.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
