I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
My balls are so social today.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
