the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
