There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
