My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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